Sunday, October 02, 2005


Terror and dread.

My life in jews for jesus was one of regular terror. Never knowing which innocuous action was going to bring down the dreaded yelling, or public humiliation. Or worse, yet, an off hand remark, or the unforgivable action, that will keep you from that promotion, that desired assignment, or pay raise, and inevitably thrown back in your face for years.

In the corporate world, one would have objective job evaluations, based on objective, attainable criteria. In JFJ: Good enough was never enough. And those who excelled, seem to be knocked down a few pegs, so they would not get a "swelled head." But the offenses bringing on wrath seemed quite random, difficult for new staff to anticipate. The offense would not be dereliction of duty, often, but not being able to read the mind of Moishe Rosen. And if you did not follow an unwritten, or yet to be made up rule:You might be publicly ridiculed, for the effect of spreading the word, that there was a new unwritten rule.

It seemed there were whipping boys in JFJ who were more naive, and seemed to walk into these quicksand traps sprung by the leadership. Those who began to sense a trap, a "tests" coming up, had a less grueling time in JFJ. But getting the brunt of the random "object lesson", or viewing it, (and being so relieved it was not you,) caused an atmosphere of absolute terror. You never knew when these, spot checks, tests of reactions, or random tirades, were going to happen to you. You lived in constant vigilance, and dread. TERROR!

Somebody who has not been in an abusive family, alchoholic family, or cult could not think that the word terror or dread are appropriate. But in Jews For Jesus, all staff is overworked, overstressed, isolated, indoctrinated,and sleep deprived. Losing your perspective of right and wrong, appropriate and inapropriate was just a matter of time. Your whole world revolved around Jews For Jesus, and you did not want that world in a upheavel. So when a man with the charisma of a Jesse Jackson lashes out at YOU. There is nothing left in your world to give you the assurance to say"Why be bothered? This guy is crazy, and God loves me." You are crushed, and humiliated, and you will do ANYTHING, EVERYTHING you can to make sure it NEVER happens again. Just the way the executive intended.

You couldn't even talk to an objective person, because it would break an unwritten, and later written rule against speaking ill of JFJ, or relating anything not public about JFJ. So your parent, college friend, pastor, could not tell you how ludicrous an occurence was. There was no objectivity, only isolation among others, who are also afraid to be seen as disloyal (critical of any the executive director does.)

Jews for Jesus mastered the "art of terror to motivate." They used the stick, and the stick that looked like a carrot. Stalin used terror to control his people in the Soviet Union. Saddam Hussein studied and copied Stalin's tactics in Iraq, with the same effect, his people were to afraid to talk to their neighbor's about opposing Saddam Hussein. Now, I do not say that Moishe Rosen, and David Brickner are the same as Stalin. Stalin killed millions of his own citizens, many innocent ones, randomly, to create an atmospere of terror. They just create an atmosphere of terror, and would humiliate, yell with firocity, fine, demoralize, to control absolutely. They have only ruined hundreds of lives. Not an equal comparison, but the same techniques.

I was terrified of Moishe for years after I left Jews for Jesus. His imposing presence I guess intimadated me, even when he seemingly had no place in my life. Not unlike a father, who lives in the back of a grown child's mind, in my mind he had grown into an adopted warped, father figure. This I believe was not hapenstance, but Moishe was trying to be the father-figure, for us all. Again, to control.

I confess, that terror of Moishe continued until he was quite ill. Only then, when he was getting feeble, did I have the courage to think of speaking the truth. I began to speak candidly to my post Jews For Jesus friends, and finally told them about my stories, and opinions, and experiences, in Jews For Jesus. For, now I can act like a free man, and I can speak my mind, but not free from dread. I post this anonomously because I still dread the inevitable retribution that placing my name with this post will have. Those who do speak out receive this retribution as a "lesson" to those still in JFJ and exJFJ to stay quiet. If not you, then a relative.

Once we were slaves but now we are free. Only this "Pharoah" still has "chariots", so we have to be careful.

Pity us if you like. But Stalin was not a happy man. Saddam Hussein was not a happy man. They were pitiful men, obsessed with power, paranoid. They could never truly be happy and relaxed, with the people around them, because they trusted no one.

How many were labeled "Unstable or Mentally ill" ?

How many who have left JFJ staff were labeled "Unstable or Mentally ill?"

It is absolutely frightening!

What is funny, is that when we were on JFJ staff WE BELIEVED THE RUMORS!

Sometimes we even convinced ourselves that "Something Must Be Wrong With Me."

Nothing is wrong with me or you!

Something is wrong with Jews for Jesus.